As told by Excalibur
by Nova122
Summary: Just some short fairytales about the gang. If you have any critiques, suggestions, or just want to talk please comment. Latest chapter specially requested by Maddielove95 whose favorite pairing is DTK and Fem. Crona
1. Red Riding Hood

It was a warm night, the kind of night where the air is so thick with humidity that it seemed to require physical effort to push through it. Maka could feel the heat getting to her, though she had lived her for all her life she had somehow never become fully accustomed to the full force of the Nevada dessert. Spirit had somehow managed to forgot his wallet, but not realize it until after he had racked up a huge bill at the Chupa Cabra. She had spent a couple minutes debating with herself about whether or not to help him out or let him rot in that little pervy hole he had carved out for himself. But the look that Soul had shot her when she had tried to simply sneak back to her room and forget that she had been spawned by such an idiot was enough to make her settle on taking a really big book with her.

She could feel the weight of it inside her trench coat, and she smiled dangerously to herself, the other pedestrians quickly turning away from the crazy girl grinning to herself as she walked down the street. The sleeves on the coat somehow managed to feel both sticky and slick at the same time as sweat made the material cling to skin. But she didn't like going places without it. Her mom had given it to her, and Maka liked the idea of facing her father with her mother on her side. Just the thought of what he was doing, and who he was doing it with….

Maka's hand instinctively jerked out and connected with the brick wall next to her. There was a loud whoomph as her fist met brickwork, and the people on the street had to once again avert their gaze from another crazy shibusen student. The action had relieved a the pressure a little, but the slight throb in her hand seemed to have the opposite effect, each twinge of pain again reminding her of why she had to be out on a night like this. She could feel her body start to heat up as her thoughts started to cycle through everything her father had ever done to make her angry. A small, slightly saner part of Maka wondered if she would pass out if it got any hotter, which was why she entered that alley so late at night. She wasn't particularly asking for trouble, though later Soul's words of not straying or staying out too late would ring through her head (my god did that boy worry), however for whatever reason trouble found Maka that night.

Out of the shadows stumbled an exceptionally drunk young man who attempted to make his way towards Maka. He teetered as he leaned towards her, alcohol was strong on his breath, and lust blatant in his eyes, but Maka was far too preoccupied with fueling her rage to care what one drunkard was trying to say to her. "Hey pretty lady! You look like someone who could learn to be with a real man!"

Maka looked up at the inebriated man, finally registering his presence as a potential threat. "what?" she barked. Maka had long ago lost her patience, now that part of her mind was being taken up by white hot anger.

The man ran a hand through one of her pigtails, "Can I feast on you tonight baby?" He smiled, "want me to be your daddy for the night?" he pulled his fingers out of her hair, and poked her on the nose.

Maka promptly broke these fingers. "Oh what a nice mouth you have, if you want to keep it that way then please never speak again."

Maka moved to step past the figure only to be cut off by a small…. Being wielding a cane.

"Aha, I see you have defeated the drunkard. You meister, you seem to be somewhat capable, how would you like to be wielder of the most amazing weapon ever to exist?" Maka cringed in surprise and then disgust as the little monster waved his cane in her face, "but of course you must first complete the 1000 tasks to prove yourself, let us start with the most important, the five hour story telling. It all star-"

"shut up you little…thing!" Maka tried to push past it but was soon stopped by a cane to the gut.

"fool! you know not what you do, I am Excalibur, the greatest weapon ever to exist! It all star-"

"I said shut up! No one wants to hear any stories about you or your stupid pas-"

"Fool! No one ever said they had to be about me!"


	2. Snow White

There was once a castle long ago, or was it really that long? I don't remember, oh yes I do, let me start over.

There was once a castle long ago that was run by an evil witch, she was cruel to everyone she met, cold and calculative, yet somehow she managed to have a child. No one's sure how she managed to get a man, but it could have been through the miracle of science as the child was somehow born with the ability to wield its own blood.

The mother soon saw the weakness in her child as, even in its teens, it was impossible to tell its gender without peaking under its dress. (this all despite the fact that it wore a dress) Of course I knew from the beginning, but I'm sure you already suspected as much.

So anyways, the child was sent out into the forest by the mother, who secretly tasked the child's best friend to kill it off. Fortunately the friend was soon distracted by how much fun it was having tormenting the poor thing, typically by trying to finally confirm for himself whether or not what he was hanging out with was a girl or a boy.

Eventually the two wandered across a house in the woods. It was an odd house, the general theme of its design being cartoon skulls. This of course prompted the young witch child to cower in fear, which in turn prompted his best friend to call him a multitude of names, and then go into the house.

Eight beds lay at one end of the house, and a table stood in the center. Two kitchens were situated at either front corner and there were doorways on two of the walls, facing each other. The house was absolutely spotless, not a speck of dust from ceiling to floor. "I don't know how to deal with this…"

However the young boy/girl was not allowed to leave for its friend soon found that both the fridges were stocked full of food, each one a mirror of the other and brimming with goodness. And that is how snow white was found by the seven dwarves.

Much to the horror of the golden eyed one, the seven dwarves walked in just as one of the fridges had been depleted. "You've ruined it !" he shouted "My beautiful house!" and then promptly passed out.

Two blond dwarves stepped over him, one of the giggling quite madly, the other merely looking on with dismay, "Look what you've done, now we are going to have to eat everything else for dinner." The other dwarves filed passed, ignoring the strangers in their kitchen and going to relax in their respective part of the house.

"I don't know how to deal with this." Perhaps it was the slight tremor in his/her voice, or the fact that he/she was standing in front of the bookshelf, but the youngest dwarf walked over to the child.

"What's your name….girl?"

"It's clearly a dude Maka."

"Shut up Soul no one asked you?"

"Ignore him, so anyways what's your name?"

And after much stuttering and tears the child answered, "Crona, but the others called me snow white because they say my skin is as white as newly fallen snow."

"See Soul I told you she was a girl. I'm Maka. That idiot over there is Soul, the one passed out on the floor is Kid, and the two blond ladies are Liz and Patti. And that's Tsubaki and that's Blackstar."

"…too many names… I don't know how to deal with this." And as Crona lay passed out on the floor his companion began to laugh whole heartedly.

"And what are you huh? Laughing at your poor friend who's just fainted." Maka turned to face him, righteous indignation streaming from her ears.

"Don't worry your head little girl. I am Ragnorok, travelling companion to that weakling over there. The food was good by the way, you have a place where I can crash?"

The air turned hot around Maka as she pulled a leather bound book off of the weapons rack behind her. "Woah, woah stop it Maka, we don't do that to strangers remember." Soul gently pulled the book out of her hands, and turned to face the Ragnorak.

"You and your friend can stay the night if you want. But please leave in the morning."

Suddenly Kid shot up with such speed and ferocity that it was hard to believe that he was passed out but a moment ago. "Yes please one of you stay, please! But only one, you see we only have one extra bed, and eight beds in total, please one of you stay, but only one."

Ragnorak began cackling again, "Called it! With any luck the elements will wimpe that wimp out." Silence filled the room as eight pairs of eyes rested on him. This time Soul did not hold Maka back and soon Ragnorak was out cold as well and quite soon after that, out on his ass.

The seven dwarves sat around crona as she spoke rather reluctantly to the corner about her mother and Ragnorak's mission. But even Blackstar remained silent the whole time. Thankfully Medusa did not care much for her daughter and was surprisingly indifferent to Ragnorak's news. "This will certainly make things interesting" was all she had to say on the matter.


	3. Sleeping Beauty

The dwarves loved their new companion, Death the Kid in particular as finally their group numbered eight. "And soon I will be eighteen as well, how fantastic!" He exclaimed. And for some reason, perhaps because they all wanted to make a good impression, no one poked the bear and mentioned that that number was not in fact, symmetrical.

The Thompson twins of late had often spent their days away from the house, trading secret glances across rooms and whispering in darkened corners until someone bothered to wonder what could be so interesting that the rest of them couldn't hear it. However a secret is a temporary noun for the longer you wait to tell it the more it clamors inside your head waiting to be heard. And so it was a particularly groggy morning that the twins sat across from the rest of the dwarves and spilled the beans both metaphorically and literally as Patty knocked a jar of them off the table. Though it could have been a sunny morning. Or a night. Yes perhaps it was a sunny night when all eight dwarves sat about the fire place telling stories.

The Thompson sisters started. No BlackStar started with a story of his god hood. No the Thompson sisters started. Liz spoke either softly or defiantly as the eight of them gathered around the fire. "When Kid was born a long time ago, actually not that long ago, but you all knew that. Anyways a witch placed a curse on him that he would fall into a deep and eternal sleep on his eighteenth birthday. So yeah… that's why we've been so weird lately. We're supposed to stop you from pricking your finger on a needle or something like that so you won't, you know, go all comatose on us. Yeah…."

The room was filled with shock as everyone stared at the girls. "So why didn't you just tell me then! If I knew that I what was going to happen to me, why would I touch needles? What do you take me for, and idiot?" And so Kid was warned about the impending danger and solemnly vowed to his weapons that he would not go around touching needles on his birthday.

Thankfully that isn't it or else I would no longer have a story to tell and you all would be able to go home. Stop your groaning, don't you know it is an honor to listen to me speak! Now shut up and bask in the beauty of my voice.

Now Crona was especially worried for Kid as he was the newest member of the group and did not in fact know whether Kid was an idiot. So on the day of his birthday Crona followed him out into the woods as he took his morning walk. And that was how Crona came upon the fact that Kid was a singer. He sung so soft and sweet that the birds gathered on trees just to hear him. IN fact to this day some even compare his voice to mine. So enamored by the sound, the pink haired girl/boy did not realize that a person had begun to talk to Kid. And as he/she stared out at the scene he/she knew that the witch was far more cunning than they had realized for she had set up a trap that Kid could not refuse.

In front of him lay a challenge, one that he was struggling to overcome, a spindle wheel sat in front of him, perfectly symmetrical but for the needle which lay 0.25 cm to the right. Crona could see the sweat beaded on Kid's forehead, the slight tremor in his arms, and he/she knew that he/she had to do something. Crona leapt out of the bushes and ran towards Kid, planning to knock him out of the way. However Crona had never been very athletic and Kid had already begun to reach out towards the needle planning on righting it without touching its edge. So when Crona tackled him the needle went right through his finger and he did not even have time to feel pain before he was fast asleep. The witch cackled with delight and flew off, leaving a tearful Crona and a snoring Kid alone in the forest.

"I don't know how to deal with this!" The sound reverberated through trees before finally reaching the ears of Maka who immediately came running to the scene. Now my voice is becoming sore so I will let you imagine Crona's cautious explanation of what had happened and Maka's bewildered expression. And I hope you've done that because I am starting again.

"Don't worry Crona these sorts of spells usually break with true loves kiss."

"I don't know how to deal with this. That could be anyone! I don't know how to deal with this."

"Probably not anyone, everyone knows that your true love is generally the person you expect it to be the least. That person who's right under your nose but don't notice." And Maka's eyes glowed with the self-importance of knowing something that others don't. And that was how it came to be that Kid lay bleeding on his bed as the rest of the dwarves voted for who they least expected to be Kid's true love. One vote for BlackStar, two for Tsubaki, three for Crona, and one for Excalibur, because someone always chooses me.

When Maka was finished reading out all the votes, there was but a brief moment of silence before Crona was hefted onto BlackStar's shoulder and thrown onto the bed with Kid. And before the poor boy/girl could even let out a, 'I don't know how to deal with this' his/her head was forced down into a kiss that tasted a lot like blood as his teeth cut into his/her lips.

Everyone was gathered around Kid, their mouths twisted into smirks from the weight of a secret as his eyes fluttered open. And after much laughter, embarrassment, and coaxing to get Crona out of the corner, Kid was up to speed on the days events. Never more so than at that moment, was it more important to him to find out Crona's gender. My brain is already ringing from trying to keep it a secret so I'll just tell you. Kid was not disappointed.


End file.
